"American Idol".....Family Style

We recently finished viewing the latest season of the TV show, “American Idol.”  Of course, almost all the contestants were good…some much better than others.  OK, there were a few serious clunkers in the group, but that’s just my opinion.  As anyone knows that watches the show; everyone has one.  An opinion, that is.   The judges aren’t admired by a few in our family, and some may say a couple are pretty well ridiculed by certain men that yell at them while ensconced in their recliners.  I’m not mentioning names.   Anyway, I started thinking about how that showz premises may fare if it was performed and judged by our immediate family.   

In selecting judges for this Family Idol setting, I picked four seasoned, non-judgmental (?) personalities.  Myself, since I’m extremely fair, smiley, quirky and have been known to stand up and applaud wildly and dance in place when I’m listening to very good singing.  Or even bad singing.  I’d be the positive, talk in circles kind of judge.  Think Paula Abdul.  Next would be my beloved spouse, Bob.  The grump.  However, a grump with a sound knowledge of music, as long it didn’t come out after the year 1961.  Anything south of ’61 he knows inside and out.  Afterwards till present?  Not so much.  But, that doesn’t stop him from having opinions.  Loud opinions.  Think: Simon Cowell.  Next we would seat Colette, our oldest daughter, as a participate on this panel.  She would be fair, articulate, and knowledgeable and would also tend to soothe any possible injured egos with a few positive words.  Well, perhaps more than a few because she has enough of her mother in her to not stop at 10 words if 100 would get her point across even more.  Finally, our 4^th and last judge on this panel would be Rhonda, our youngest daughter.  Rhonda walks somewhere on the edge of her dad’s personality and has one foot into mine.  In other words, she can be extremely nice one second and turn on you the next.  (Colette can to, but that’s not personality; that's menopause.)  They're both very cool and

   musically savvy.   Both girls were raised on early rock and roll from their parent’s era, disco and heavy metal from their teen’s right through the music of their children’s years.  Whatever kind of music that is.  So, both are very knowledgeable and used to dishing out unwanted advice to younger versions of themselves.

Our contestants are:  Our oldest grand-daughter, Ashli, age 25.  She’s gorgeous, smart, talented…but, does she have what it takes to be a “Family Idol?” As the oldest, she may be able to manipulate and use her charm to get votes.  Grandson Brendan at 20 is great looking.  He can get the young adult vote.  He’s proven he’s got rhythm because he practically flung himself out

of the hatch a dancing.  But, does he have what it takes to be a singer? We’ll have to see.  Grand-daughter Hali, at 16 has done great at school in choir and even tried out for select choir and made it.  But, singing alone she’s a bit reticent to show the full range of her pipes.  She can get the teen boy vote and possibly even some girls, but can she over come her shyness to release the power of her voice in front of the judges?  Next is Marc, our 15 year old heart-throb.  He’ll pull in the votes with his charm and humor…but, his singing is an unknown…at least in the family, where the votes really count.  Last is the youngest contestant and 3 year old grandchild, Cassie.  Her singing is very well known because she has sang constantly and loudly since she was aware of the TV set and/or her mother, who sings to her a lot (and thank goodness we don’t have to judge Colette!).  She will jockey for position with her peers, but will her age be a factor in not getting serious consideration?  We shall see.

“Family Idol” begins with our first contestant Ashli singing, “It’s Raining Men.”  She sings with great authority, as she should because her life has been full of the opposite sex. The judges critique her performance when she’s done.

Kay:  Beautiful!  Wonderful!  You’re a star… your dress is gorgeous and I love your hair!

Bob:  Come on!  Obviously you’re a beautiful girl, but that last note…it was like watching a horror show!

Colette:  Oh my gosh!  That was so powerful, so masterful.  The way your voice took huge leaps out of the musical spectrum and swelled out as huge as the ocean than did a gigantic spin in the middle and soared to…….

Rhonda:  Co, put a lid on it!  Ashli….dude!  That was bitchin’!You really rocked  out and I think you did make the skies rain men.  All men here will vote for you ‘cause,   Dude…that was hot!

Next Brendan steps out,  breaks out into one of his famous smiles, shoves his jeans down a bit lower  and performs “Beautiful.”  After his last note fades away and the applause dies the judges step up:

Kay:  Sweetie, you’re so handsome!  I love your shirt and can’t believe how talented you are.

Bob:  Seriously?  I mean seriously…you call that howling singing?  It was boring, it was self- indulgent, and it was monotonous. It’s time for you to go home.

Colette:  Oh my gosh!  That was so powerful, so masterful.  The way your voice took huge leaps out of the musical spectrum and swelled out as huge as the ocean than did a gigantic spin in the middle and soared to…..

Rhonda:  Co, seriously, you just said all that to Ashli, now Brendan?  Seriously, dude?

Colette:  Well  Ron, you know I believe in being fair because I don’t want any of them to feel I’m playing favorites and besides…..

Rhonda:  Thank you Co, for enlightening us.  Now, can we please get on with the judging?  Brendan, dude….what can I say?  I mean really…WHAT can I SAY?  If you’re going to do an Eminem song, you can’t stand there and smile.  Dude, you have to wipe the grin off and slam it!

 

As Brendan leaves the stage, Hali bounces on to it and smiles at the judges.  After several tugs on her hair, she  begins to  quietly sing,   “Waking Up In Vegas”.

 

Kay:  Baby Doll!  That was wonderful!  And oh my gosh, you look so cute tonight.  Well done!

Colette:  Oh my gosh!  That was so powerful…..

Rhonda:  COLETTE!  Is your teleprompter stuck on one page? What is your problem?  Try some new adjectives, will ya dude?

Colette:  As I  was about to say Hali, before I was rudely interrupted,  your interpretation of that Katie Perry song was spot on!  Fantastic.  (Colette slumps into a pout.)

Rhonda:  Dude!  Katie Perry?  Really?  That was righteous!  You take my breathe away, dawg. (Rhonda beams.  This is, of course, her only child.) 

Hali exits and Marc enters, squinting at the lights, winking at the females and snapping his long fingers.  After taking a deep breath he starts belting out, “Boom, Boom, Pow!” When he finishes he winks again at the female judges and awaits their comments.

Kay:  Sweetie…look at you!  You’re so tall and handsome.  I’m so proud of your for taking a chance on that song.

Bob:  You call that a song?  It was so bad I fell asleep waiting for it to end.  I think you can call it a day.

Colette:  I haven’t heard anyone sing that song so amazingly good.  Your pitch was great, your undertones were absolutely the best thing I’ve heard in ages.  You’re truly a singer of songs in the tradition of Frank Sinatra or Sammy Davis, Jr.

Rhonda:  Co, how can you compare a song originally done by the Black Eyed Pea’s to Sinatra or Sammy?  You’re killing me here!  Marc, dude…you’re waxin’ that’s for sure.  That was smokin’!

The last contestant takes the spotlight.  Literally.  She picks it up and starts to carry it out of the room.  Cassie, the little 3 year old minx has a mind of her own about when and how to do things.  With a bit of coaxing,  she puts the spotlight back, sits on the floor under it, opens her mouth and the words thunder out of her mouth as she puts her own spin to “Hang on Snoopy.”  The crowd is on its feet and they loudly chant, “Cassie, Cassie, Cassie.”  That crowd is mostly other three year olds, but still…..it’s easy to pick her mother out of that mob.

 

Kay:  You darling baby, that was so precious.  You’re such a cutie-pie and I love your singing and dancing.

Bob:  I hope you don’t try to get by on your big blue eyes or the cute factor, because that performance was painful to watch. I think it’s over for you, kid.

Colette:  Oh my gosh!  That was amaz……(She stops and glances at her sister Rhonda.)  That was good, but maybe just a tad pitchy in places.  The start was a bit wobbly, but I could see when you started to feel more confident in your ability and decided to just bring us the full impact and tenor of your wonderful voice.  That was great.  I loved it.

Rhonda:  (Stares at Colette.)  Dude, since my fellow judge indicated your might have had some pitch problems, let me just say.  I DISAGREE!  That was the bomb, dude!  I was diggin’ it and I think you’re going  all the way with that one.  Better than the original!

Can we take a vote on the first and best “Family Idol?” Well sure....and our vote goes to...wait!  Rhonda's husband Marty just strolled into the room with his guitar.  Good try kids, but you know who gets our vote.  Yay Marty!